When Helping Hurts: Moving Toward Self Love – Type 2

Josie loves her friends.  And they love her.  She is indispensable.

Josie’s friends just have to think they are getting sick and there she is at the front door with chicken soup before they can say “achoo”.

She would sacrifice almost anything to make sure people feel safe, comfortable and loved.  A great host with a way of making people feel welcome, no one wanted to miss Josie’s gatherings.

She had her special friends who she really cared for and she would go to the ends of the Earth to help them. But everyone in Josie’s world feels special and cared for.

About You

If you are a Type 2, grounded in the Heart Intelligence Centre you experience your world through the filter of emotional intelligence. Feelings and emotions are important to you and they help to make sense of your surroundings. If you resonate with the Heart Intelligence Centre, you love to help others. You often know what people need and want before they even do. Your great gift is the ability to see what people feel, their pain and what they need to help them to heal and feel safe.

You have a kind heart and you will go out of your way to help others, especially those who are vulnerable or in need. You desire strong relationships and connections and are a valued and caring friend. You have an ability to really tune in to how people are feeling and what they need to feel valued.

Your connections to others are important to you. You want to feel helpful and supportive…. indispensable even.

If you identify with the Heart Intelligence Centre, you are generous and giving of your time, talents and even money. Friends, family and colleagues would describe you as demonstrative, humble, altruistic, kind, selfless and empathetic. You are a great listener and a humble ambassador.

People see you as a great and giving friend. And you are. But there can be a dark side to your helping others. Not necessarily sinister, but dark in that you end up hurting yourself.   Sometimes you are so busy giving to others you give away and lose parts of yourself. You can become bitter and jaded when people take your kindness for granted. If you are really honest with yourself, your giving comes with the expectation that you hold a special place with those you support. Your giving and empathy is genuine, you just derive your worth from being needed and wanted.

If you are a Type 2, Heart Centred Helper, you may also have a tendency to become over involved in other people’s lives. Boundaries may be overstepped and feelings hurt. Finding a balance is important or you are at risk of losing yourself and the relationships you so value.

The Cost of Not Being Present

Living your life from the Heart Intelligence Centre can be a rewarding but draining experience. You draw your energy from your connections to others and helping them. However, there can be some real costs to giving of yourself so completely. You can lose sight of what you really desire for your life. If you are so focused on other people’s needs, you can ignore or become unaware of your own. You can begin to drift aimlessly, unsure of who you really are anymore.

If you aren’t present in your day to day, relationships and career or business suffer. Decision making can be more about pleasing people than what really needs to happen. This can show up in a loss of intimacy or a loss of achievement in your career. You can focus on elevating others so much that you lose sight of your own desires.

Your personal goals are elusive, while those around you achieve theirs. If those closest to you don’t express their appreciation in ways that matter, you may become jealous or stifling in your relationships.   Fear of losing those closest to you can be overpowering. Anxiety creeps in.

While people who identify with the Heart Centre are kind, giving people and have some great strengths and some amazing connections, there are some real challenges that can get in the way of living the most substantial life. If you don’t find ways to be and stay present in the moment you can be taken for granted. You can have some relationships that continue for long periods of time with you giving and giving and giving without receiving an equal investment from the other person…..until one day you have had enough.

Help can become something you don’t accept, only something you offer. Your anger or resentment can then undermine your ability to live fully and in the moment.

Get Present –  Raise Your Consciousness

If you are grounded in the Heart Centre and are a helper, you are probably already great at building relationships. So great that you can lose yourself and your needs in the process of building great relationships. There are ways you can still have that level of connection without losing yourself.

If you want to leverage your strengths, there are some specific things you can do that will help you build even better connections while keeping your own targets in sight.

It starts with increasing your awareness of what happens when you help, or when others want to help you.

1. Consider Your Relationships

Write a list of relationships that are most important to you. Ask yourself “what does each person need from me?”. Then ask “what do I need from them”. Are you able to clearly articulate what you really need from these relationships. What are your expectations? Would these people be aware of your expectations, or are they only in your head? Are they in line and rational?

2. Think about the last time you felt a strong urge to help

What were you hoping for by helping? Was this something that was clear or only in your thoughts? How did it work out? Did you feel satisfied or did you feel taken advantage of?

3. Think about the last time you needed help.

Did you ask anyone for help? Did anyone offer? Did you accept the offer and what did you feel like throughout the exchange?

Focus of Attention

Emotional Habits

If you are a Type 2, grounded in the Heart Intelligence Centre, you likely have some emotional habits and patterns that can get you into trouble and block you from reaching your goals or of living your most authentic life.

Self-preservation and security are important to you.   You want to control it all and make it all happen. You likely find it difficult to ask for help. You may overlook genuine offers to assist you. While you are great or even gifted at knowing others and giving help, you long for special treatment and attention. You would never ask for that but it is a secret hope you hold. Exploring this and working through this can be a valuable exercise that can free you from your expectations for yourself and others.

Habits of Attention

You can naturally read people and know/focus on other peoples need exceptionally well. It is a true gift and allows you to help others feel comfortable and allows you to also bring comfort to those in need. However, this can at times mean that you lose sight of your own needs.  You may become self-doubting, anxious and sometimes even paralyzed. You have great ideas, great relationship skills but you just can’t seem to put it all together in a way that works.

Getting Unstuck – The Practice of You

Stepping into your best version of yourself can be really scary. Especially for kind hearted and generous Heart Centred people. Your sense of self comes from helping others and from strong personal connections. If you really want to develop your best self, you will need to unravel the elements of your helping others. There are some simple steps you can take to start untangling the dark side of helping for yourself.

  1. Simplify your relationships – Start asking yourself what you can do to deepen your relationships without giving up your own needs. How can you build intimacy and connections without expectations?
  2. Check for motive – When you feel a compulsion or a drive to help others, stop and think. Why do you really want to help them? Does it make sense or are you stretching yourself beyond your limits just to be liked. Being helpful is a wonderful thing, don’t give up on that, just be aware of any underlying drive that pushes you beyond what your limits might be.
  3. Noticing – Tune into your own needs/wants. Find a quiet ten minutes every day to stop and reflect on what you personally need and want from your day, an interaction or your relationships. Challenge yourself to really focus on what YOU want and need.


Leave a Comment

emotional intelligence | working from the heart centreminimalism | Being present